It’s been awhile and for good reason. First of all, following my last entry, my son is doing so much better. He is healthy, happy and managing his alcohol at an acceptable level for now. It wasn’t because of rehab. He just decided to pull himself together.
I am also doing better and not only because he is doing better. I had a very serious medical diagnosis and I did a lot of reflection, a lot of praying, and it finally hit home to me in a very real way that all of the worrying I have basically done my whole life has changed nothing. It has had a very negative impact on my health and well being and that was all that I gained from it.
I found out I had a brain tumor in late May of 2019. I saw a neurosurgeon in early June and had craniotomy surgery in late June of 2019 to remove the tumor. I didn’t know what would be the outcome. So after the diagnosis, I basically had one month to get my shit together. My whole family pulled together and became my great support system. I prepared my will and my medical advance directive and did a lot of praying.
I thought I had always prayed the “right” way and at least in words, gave my family over to the Lord’s care. But you know, I said the words but I couldn’t cross that line of actually believing they could be in the Lord’s hands and would be okay without me. Until I was faced with my own possible demise, I never really took the step back to look at our family dynamics objectively. I had to take a lot of steps back and take a long hard look. I did a lot of praying and really releasing them from deep within my heart and into the hands of the Lord was not easy, but I did it. I gained a sweet peace when finally giving them over completely to the One that knows and loves them best.
I had three life changing moments that I want to share with you.
One, although I wanted the best probable outcome, through prayer I found peace that no matter what the outcome, it was a win/win situation for me. If I survived the surgery (which was risky due to the location), I would wake up to see the faces of my family. If I didn’t survive surgery, I would wake to find myself worshiping at the feet of Jesus. I could not lose!! But, I did pray that if it be at all possible, I would like to spend more time with my family. Even if I lived to be 100, time on earth is so short compared to Eternity. It was a selfish prayer I guess. But, since I am writing this right now, it was one that was answered. I cling to the peace that I have found in knowing, fully knowing, that my eventual death will not be anything to fear.
Second, I asked the Lord to send an angel to be by my side during surgery. Very clearly, in my thoughts, He replied: “oh honey, you won’t just have one angel, but a whole operating room full of angels”. And I saw it all in my mind. Me, on the operating table, and angels slightly behind each person on my medical team, whispering in their ears and guiding their hands. Other angels were behind them with their arms crossed over their chests, guarding. I remembered those words and that scene as I went into surgery.
Third, as I was being wheeled away to prepare for surgery, I looked at my whole family and realized that they would be okay without me. We all had stood in a circle with our hands together in the waiting room and prayed. They were facing the possibility of that being the last time we might see each other. They were strong, they had each other and they were prepared. That moment brought home how the dynamics of family changes. To me, my husband and my children are my everything. But to them, they have gone on to have their own children and families and those people are their everything. And, that is how it should be for them and I’m glad I raised them to love their families with all their might.
In closing, my surgery was a complete success. My neurosurgeon said there would be residual but he got all he could physically see. With residual, I would need follow up radiation and the post mri would show how much we were dealing with . My post MRI showed the tumor was successfully removed with no residual. Praise God. I will have another MRI in January of 2020 to see if there is regrowth.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story.
May you find peace in the midst of your own storms.