My oldest son suffers from depression and suicidal thoughts. He self medicates with alcohol. As you may or may not know, we already lost one son due to alcohol. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop with fear and trepidation. I hope I am wrong. I pray I am needlessly worrying.
When my oldest was in his late teens or early twenties, I would wake in the middle of the night and pray for him. As parents, we did pursue the usual avenues to help him such as hospitalization, counseling, medication and so on. But when it all fails, what is left but a miracle?
During one of my all night prayer sessions, I wrote a song. I tried to put myself in his mind and it was so very dark there. I imagined what it must be like for him to look in the mirror and thus, I wrote the following song. It starts out as a slow, sad tune but just before the chorus, the tempo changes and the chorus is jubilant. You will just have to use your imagination.
Title: God is greater
Verse:
I look in the mirror
Tell me, who am I?
Down deep in my eyes
Are pools of pain and despair.
Darkness surrounds me
Feels like I’m drowning in this world of sin.
(transition as tempo builds)
But a message of hope
of peace and a light
Shines deep from within.
Chorus:
’cause God is greater, greater
and greater is in me.
God is greater, greater
and greater is in me.
You pick me up when I fall.
Your love, it carries me.
You are the light of the world
and you give me peace.
You are my rock and my hope.
My joy and my strength.
Oh, light of the world,
Shine your light down on ME!
Recently, during a 45 day stay in inpatient rehab, my son left me a message on my phone. He sounded so happy and content. He was feeling peaceful. I saved the message and I listen to it sometimes. His peace did not last long. He is self medicating and depressed again. How sad it must be for him, to live in that darkness. A verse with no chorus. He found peace for a brief time and I listen to his phone message to remind me that it could happen again. You know what my biggest fear is? That I will accidentally erase the message and I will no longer be able to hear those moments when he was what he was meant to be, even for a short time.
