Here is where we are at today. My son spiraled down after signing divorce papers. He was drinking up to 2/5 of vodka a day. His depression, his alcoholism was winning. He decided to go to the emergency room at the local hospital (on his own) which was a good thing. I took him there and stayed with him until they discharged him several hours later with no admission into the behavioral unit. He is at our house now and actively seeking a treatment center for co occurring and dual diagnosis treatment. This is where it gets tough. His medical insurance is not very good, he has no money or resources and he will probably lose his job. All web designers make every treatment center look good. How to choose and how to not rack up so much debt that he’ll never get out from under it but get the treatment he needs to lead a whole life is overwhelming. Please pray for him to find the right path. Yes, his life is worth every cent of debt but if two centers provide quality treatment but at a vastly different cost, then these options must be weighed. It is going to come down to how much he is willing to fight. I hate it that cost even has to be considered in any way. I’m trying to step back and let him do the work because I feel it is important for him to make the decision for treatment. I gave him over to God and now I have to work on myself to not intervene. If you believe in prayer, now is the time to offer up a prayer of guidance on his behalf. His very life depends on it and I don’t want to lose another son.
I’m finally back to my blog. My previous post was about my son, his depression, his failing marriage and my questioning of God.
I’m still floundering a bit. I seem to have this overwhelming need to “get it right” and if I get it right, all will be well. What exactly is “get it right”? That’s a very good question and one that I am still trying to find the answer. If I get it right, will God hear and answer my prayers, will my children be healed from depression, ptsd and alcoholism? Will every day bring forth a new exciting revelation of hope and joy? This is ridiculous and I know it but I can’t seem to stop feeling like if I just tweak my parenting and praying and so on, all will have a fairy tale ending. In my mind I know that my driving desire to do all things right to get the best outcome is (1) somewhat self serving (2) putting myself in God’s shoes and (3) not wanting to accept the answers God has given me. And yet, I stop short of criticizing myself at being selfish or having selfish motivation. I just want my family to be healed and with that healing to have joy. I would give up my life for that, for them, so I don’t feel like I am being selfish.
Well, my son came and stayed with us for two weeks. He was very depressed and turned to alcohol which fed his depression which led to some suicidal thoughts. My only criteria for him staying with us was that he would not bring alcohol into our home. He agreed and kept that promise. The first order of business was for him to see a doctor and he made the appointment within two days of coming to our home. He is trying a new anti depressant. Also, during that two weeks, we sat down with him and looked at managing his finances due to loss of a second income. That was enough for me to be depressed for him!! He makes enough money to pay his house payment, car payment, insurance and gas to drive to work. That’s it! No money for food, doctors, medicines and etc. So the first order of business was to explore options of earning additional income and he also came to the full realization of needing to find employment elsewhere. Progress. He is at his own home now.
So now, here is where it gets sticky. Al Anon says don’t be an enabler. But, I feel like we are dealing with more than alcoholism. We are also dealing with depression and suicidal tendencies. So, we (my husband and I) are in total agreement that with this quandry, we would do the very basics that Jesus tells us to do which is feed the hungry, minister to the sick and love. So, when I thought about this from a Biblical perspective, I thought of a scenario of someone walking down the street and seeing a homeless person who was hungry and destitute. Would Jesus want that homeless and hungry person to be questioned about why and how they got in this condition and then the questioner decide if they or their circumstances deemed them worthy of being fed? All are worthy. We will provide food and/or provide meals to our son as needed. He is always welcome to stay with us as needed. We will pay medical and doctor bills as needed. We will not give him money. We will continue to provide guidance and encouragement in how to better his current financial state.
With all that being said, he is doing better and is figuring out a plan. He is preparing and fixing up his home so he can put it up for sale. After he sells his home, he has more options as to whether to relocate in a totally different geographical area or to stay in this area. He is getting job applications and seeking better employment. He is pushing himself to make more positive choices in interacting with people and doing activities instead of sitting home alone. He has been to the doctor and is trying a new anti depressant.
I went through a long period of feeling like God had abandoned me. I still feel that way at times. But something in the core of my very being still believes and will always believe in God. I came to the realization that “giving over” to God was not the same as “giving up” on my son. Something inside of me has never been able to accept this seemingly simple but complex difference. Until recently.
Dear reader, may the God who provides peace during the storm, provide you with a feeling of peace, contentment and even joy. I will always believe in my God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.
Last week brought heartache to our family. My son’s wife left him, taking her son from a previous marriage with her. That precious boy is still our grandson, no matter what happens next. In my heart, there are no step children or step grandchildren in our family and divorce, if it comes to that, will not sever the tie between our grandson and us. My husband and I feel the same about this. My children and grandchildren are his own. His son and grandchildren are my own. Any grandchildren that were brought into our family by prior marriages are treated and loved the same as the others.
Who, what, why, when and where are all questions that come to mind in regards to this break up. I could probably answer all those questions, if so inclined, but I am just now settling my mind down to some sort of acceptance so I don’t want to push it. My son is an alcoholic although doing better these past few months, this is the consequence for actions when he was at his worst. He also suffers from depression and usually winter is a very hard time for him but not this year. This winter, he didn’t have his usual episode of darkness and found himself smiling for no reason. Until now. Although I am not surprised that his wife left, I have to question, why now? Why now, when he was smiling and happy?
I ranted and raved a bit at God. He doesn’t seem to ever answer my prayers, at least that I can see. It seems like my prayers are futile about so many things: healing for the sick, hope for the depressed, among others. My prayers are not blanket prayers such as “heal the sick” but very specific and very heartfelt. The silence from God is more profound, the more I pray. Sometimes I wonder that if I never prayed at all, never expected a miracle or answered prayer for healing, hope, peace or joy for those I love, would I be better off?
So, when I get to feeling this way and don’t know where to turn, I open the Bible. It never fails that as I randomly just pick a passage, it always speaks to me and gives me peace. Who randomly reads a passage from Micah? This girl and it did speak to me, and put me in my place and gave me direction. In the first few verses of Micah Chapter 6, the people of Israel are getting a little tongue lashing. Ouch, I read this right after ranting and raving to God. So, this humbled me and I had to ask forgiveness and acknowledge that even though our family has had more than our share of heartache, God has always, always, been with me. I never went through anything alone. He always provided. Ouch again, Micah chapter 6, verse 7 “shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul”? I sort of lost my breath during that verse because yes, my son is my firstborn, the fruit of my body and I had ranted and raved to God and now regret it. But then, verse 8: “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God”. And verse 8 of Micah chapter 6 is the direction and attitude that I must take.
So, as I move forward to a new week, I will try to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God. I needed this reminder to stop making everything so complicated.
My son, who suffers from depression, stopped by for a few minutes the other day. It’s winter and gloomy and this is the season in which his depression rears it’s ugliest head. A typical winter brings a sense of despondency in his life which leads to his “family team” to make multiple suggestions and ask questions such as “maybe you should try a new medication”, “have you seen your doctor?”, “how about trying light therapy?”, “are you feeling suicidal?”, “drinking in excess?”, “are you ready for rehab and/or inpatient?” and so on. I have come to the full realization that I am helpless to help him.
Several years ago, more like 25 years ago, I dreamed that he was full of joy. He was looking at a woman and a young girl and on their faces were looks of adoration and on his face was pure joy. I’ve always held on to that dream and I’ve prayed to God so many times for him to have joy. My wish for him is not fame or fortune, but pure joy.
So anyway, getting back to his visit, I invited him to stay and eat with us. As we were eating and chatting about nothing of importance and ignoring the elephant in the room, he told me that this year is different. He doesn’t know why it is happening but he said “I catch myself smiling for no reason.” I thought about that long ago dream again and a glimmer of hope fluttered in my heart. This!! This is what I want for him!! Smiling for no reason! Joy! I’m afraid to hope that it will be long lasting but I would give anything for it to be true. I’m almost afraid for the next visit or the next phone call that may indicate a downward spiral into that dark pit of despair. But for today, I am so very happy for the winter smile. I love you, son.
My oldest son suffers from depression and suicidal thoughts. He self medicates with alcohol. As you may or may not know, we already lost one son due to alcohol. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop with fear and trepidation. I hope I am wrong. I pray I am needlessly worrying.
When my oldest was in his late teens or early twenties, I would wake in the middle of the night and pray for him. As parents, we did pursue the usual avenues to help him such as hospitalization, counseling, medication and so on. But when it all fails, what is left but a miracle?
During one of my all night prayer sessions, I wrote a song. I tried to put myself in his mind and it was so very dark there. I imagined what it must be like for him to look in the mirror and thus, I wrote the following song. It starts out as a slow, sad tune but just before the chorus, the tempo changes and the chorus is jubilant. You will just have to use your imagination.
Title: God is greater
I look in the mirror
Tell me, who am I?
Down deep in my eyes
Are pools of pain and despair.
Darkness surrounds me
Feels like I’m drowning in this world of sin.
(transition as tempo builds)
But a message of hope
of peace and a light
Shines deep from within.
’cause God is greater, greater
and greater is in me.
God is greater, greater
and greater is in me.
You pick me up when I fall.
Your love, it carries me.
You are the light of the world
and you give me peace.
You are my rock and my hope.
My joy and my strength.
Oh, light of the world,
Shine your light down on ME!
Recently, during a 45 day stay in inpatient rehab, my son left me a message on my phone. He sounded so happy and content. He was feeling peaceful. I saved the message and I listen to it sometimes. His peace did not last long. He is self medicating and depressed again. How sad it must be for him, to live in that darkness. A verse with no chorus. He found peace for a brief time and I listen to his phone message to remind me that it could happen again. You know what my biggest fear is? That I will accidentally erase the message and I will no longer be able to hear those moments when he was what he was meant to be, even for a short time.
My husband and I just returned from a camping trip. We enjoyed the wonderful changing colors of the landscape. I am so grateful for this day, this life and this world of natural beauty.
We got back home about 3 hours ago and the first thing I did was take 4 days of soggy, wet mail from the mailbox. There was a letter from the Department of the Army addressed to my husband. Of course, I immediately alerted my husband who immediately opened and read it. Enclosed was the Report of Investigation Line of Duty and Misconduct Status Report plus the State of Medical Examination and Duty Status Report.
Department of Army, your black and white army speak reports state that the soldier reported for weekend duty, was released for the evening and didn’t return at the appointed time the following morning. A welfare search ensued. He was found deceased in his vehicle. Medical Diagnosis: Acute Ethanol Intoxication.
I’m sorry Department of Army, but you missed a few sections in your reports. My husband’s son (my stepson) completed several overseas missions including Afghanistan and Iraq. Our boy, who had a huge fear of flying, shoved that fear down and sat in the cargo hold of a shaking plane, dropped out of it in the dark, landed in the desert and waited for his contact in hostile territory. Your reports are incomplete. He couldn’t sleep at night due to recurring nightmares. Not just nightmares, but images of things he had actually seen and done while serving his country. Flashbacks that haunted him, kept him up at night and ate at his soul. Yet, he would willingly do it all again because he was a good soldier and a loyal soldier. Army was structure and it was how he functioned best. He was a brave, loyal, honest, sincere, kind, funny and loving person. He was a loving and devoted father to his sons and he was a beloved son to us. I don’t see that in the reports. Department of Army, you get a flunking grade for those reports. They are incomplete.
We tried to help him with everything we had in us. Several times he went to detox but not for the right reasons. He didn’t try for his own sake until the last time of rehab. Finally, he really wanted to beat this addiction and recover. We were so hopeful! Thrilled!! Everything we hoped and prayed for was coming together and we could just imagine a much better life for him. He stuck with it for the full 30 day inpatient program, made his own arrangements to get back home and had already set up an appointment with a counselor locally. Our boy had just been released from a 30 day in-patient alcoholics program of which he voluntarily entered. Life was good. Three days later, he was dead.
I’ll never understand it. But, I would like the world to know that I couldn’t be prouder of him. He did the absolute best he could. Shouldn’t we all?
Hmmm. So much to share but don’t know where to begin so I will begin my story with my first traumatic experience at age 5. My father committed suicide. The last memory of my father is of him coming to my Aunt’s house. We were playing outside. He came to the yard, put us in the car and drove away. I remember that I was excited because this was going to be a surprise for my mother. “Is it perfume?” I asked. I don’t remember his answer but I know it wasn’t the surprise.
A little backstory: my mother wanted to divorce my father. She had met another man who made her feel loved and special. This other man was also married. I don’t know all the in’s and out’s of what transpired between the two of them and don’t need to know. I don’t blame my mother or the other man or my father. Anyway, my mother and the other man arranged a meeting with their current spouses and stated that they wanted to divorce and marry each other. Long story short, my mother decided to give her marriage another try and we all picked up and moved for a fresh start.
Sometime shortly after, in a new State, my father intercepted letters between my mother and the other man. At the time of the big “S” (suicide), the other man was in the same vicinity and he and my mother had made contact. The other man wanted to take mother, me and my siblings back to our original home town. He felt like we were all in danger.
Back to the big “S” …. My father drove us to our house, took us inside, sat us down and told us to stay there. In the meantime, my mother discovered we were missing. My aunt and my mother pulled up outside in my aunt’s car. My oldest brother, seeing a chance to escape, grabbed me and my other brother and ran out the door. I’m 5. I have no real idea of what is going on. We are on the steps leading down from the porch. My mom is at the bottom of the steps screaming for us to get in the car. We get in the car. My Aunt tells us to get down in the floorboard. I can’t resist looking up and out the car window. My father is on the porch pointing a gun alternately at himself and at my mother. She is yelling “go ahead, you can’t hurt me anymore”. He slowly shakes his head and walks inside the front door. Mother gets in the passenger side of the car and my aunt drives away.
I will share more of this story later. My heart is pounding and it is still so overwhelming. I’ve had 55 years to come to terms with it but I need a break before I continue.